walkingshadow (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
walkingshadow) wrote2008-02-14 07:33 pm
walkingshadow) wrote2008-02-14 07:33 pm
your young men will see shows, and your old men will dream dreams
because otherwise i will NEVER MOVE FORWARD, here's my super-belated year-end round-up for 2007. oh man, remember 2007?
this was actually the first year i've even felt a compulsion to write a year-end review, and it isn't just because i wasn't chronicling it as i went like i have in the past, but because 2007 was the first year that clearly delineated itself with a narrative arc and milestones to match the calendar, opening in january when i finally started seeing a therapist, and ending in december just as i quit my job. the year looks so sparse and staid in bullet points, like laying out three fossils that you think belong to the same skeleton and trying to imagine meat around the bones, intelligence in the face, the body in action; but bullet points are all i have.
» the mental/intellectual
BRAIN ATROPHY. i read maybe half a dozen books the whole year, and i'm not sure i could even tell you what they were. my concentration was shot. i stopped writing. in lieu of livejournaling, i discovered twitter, and man. one of the many thinky posts i couldn't concentrate on long enough to write last year was full of all the meta thoughts i have thought about twitter. one day i'll write again in sentences more than 140 characters long. AND they won't take me months to construct.
» the physiological
took up smoking; embraced drinking; forsook the gym; ate LOTS of cookies. i went up a jeans size, and yeah, i have more chins and less muscle mass, but, man. cookies are DELICIOUS.
» the fanatical
read harry potter and the great horcrux hunt, which left me cold. went to dragoncon with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gjstruthseeker, though it was more for her than the fandom. i fell out of love with supernatural and headlong into bandom, and i am still falling with no bottom in sight. i love those stupid boys and girls, and their stupid music, and their stupid FACES. ugh. don't ever stop.
» the musical
went to a dozen live concerts, not counting bonnaroo. went to motherfucking bonnaroo. added 3,000 songs to my itunes library. got heavily into my chemical romance, yeasayer, the mountain goats, bishop allen, electric six, m.i.a., the new pornographers, patrick wolf, stars, etc. i'm still sorting last year's music, it's NEVER-ENDING.
» the emotional, the psychological, and the biochemical
in january i got a therapist. i did good work with her for six months, and broke up with her in june. MEANWHILE, i got (and kept) a psychiatrist and started taking anti-anxiety medication (lexapro), which has changed my entire fucking life. it fixed things i didn't even realize were broken. everything else i've done, all the progress i've made, those pills have made possible.
it turns out i have a common cocktail of anxiety disorders—social anxiety, general anxiety, OCD—and between the therapy and the drugs, we teased out where those anxieties came from and what they were keeping me from doing, and i *pushed* myself. i put myself out there a billion times more than i ever have in my life, and it was fucking hard, like i was brand new to the world and had never met humans before. it was awesome, and terrifying. and in addition to all that internal struggle, there were all these outside dramas going on (see below), so for values of "turbulent" that apply to someone who's always lived curled up in a quiet, tiny little world, and then one day pokes her head out of that little world, last year was the most turbulent year i've ever lived through. last year had wildly see-sawing good days and bad days, weeks, seasons: i would wake up happy and go to bed sad, or vice-versa; i was giddy in the spring, and i wilted in september; i cried more last year than i have in all my other years on earth combined, including that time i was an infant and crying was my only means of communicating my needs to my primary caregivers. i spent four days in october unintentionally in withdrawal from my medication and truly wanting to die. and i distinctly remember thinking to myself one day in the summer that all these years i'd been living that cliche, waiting for my life to begin, and now it felt like my life was beginning.
» the familial
ahaha, so family/work communications deteriorated almost to the breaking point, and of course the effects were multiplied and magnified for me, since i worked with my family and lived with my boss. my psychiatrist, when i tried to explain the entire passive-aggressive clusterfuck, summed up the situation as living in a silent war zone.
» the professional
went to work and filed paper every day and hated every fucking minute of it. i quit because i knew i would stay forever if i didn't give myself a cut-off date, and because i was caught up uncomfortably in office politics (see above re: my double dose of passive-aggression). my last day was the 28th of december, and i can tell you from this brave new world of 2008 that even though now i'm unemployed and flapping in the wind, i'm grateful every day that i don't work there anymore.
» the social
in a series of baby steps, i joined the human race: i accepted invitations. i joined a bookclub. when there was no one to go to shows with me, i went to shows alone, and i struck up conversations or let other people chat me up. and i made a friend. the minion who came to the firm in june to help me wrangle the paper basically ended up making filing almost bearable every day she was in the office, joining me in commiserating and eating lunch and making dispairing references to apocalypse now when the filing room walls were closing in on us. she's fucking adorable, and she's hilarious, and we went to shows and bars and movies together, when every invitation given or accepted was still a surprise. she's been one of the best and most encouraging influences for me to get out more, see more, meet more people.
in january i flew up to boston to visitsilentfire, and then in the summer she had the NERVE to decide to tranfer schools, and she moved across the country to live with her sister in the in-between time. i STILL haven't managed to make it out to new mexico to visit, though i miss her terribly and she keeps telling me how gorgeous it is out there. malelia_honu came up to visit in the fall to shop with me and eat biscuits and see they might be giants live in concert. at the end of december, in a flurry of last-minute activity that still doesn't seem real, even though i was THERE and have the pictures to prove it, i married off gjstruthseeker; and a few weeks after that she moved halfway around the world with her brand new husband.
» the personal
guys, let me tell you all the ways the diva cup is the greatest personal hygiene innovation since indoor plumbing: 1) it's made of medical-grade silicone and collects rather than absorbs blood, meaning you will never have to insert or remove a dry tampon again, ever; 2) it's infinitely reuseable so you will never have to spend another dollar on feminine products; 2a) you will never have to GIVE another dollar to the FEMININE PRODUCTS INDUSTRY; 2b) you will never again be in a position to stock up on or run out of feminine products; 3) all those feminine products you won't be buying means that much more paper and plastic that isn't landfill-bound. i fucking love my diva cup. it's a little hard to get the hang of for the first month or two, but after that it's one-two-three easy, and there are tons of internet resources and an active livejournal community eager to offer support. i'm such a proselyte, but whatever, try it try it try it.
discovered vibrators, oh my god. i've been giving myself orgasms for years with no problems, but never have i been so glad that i don't subscribe to the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy of life, because that would be like finding a package of chips ahoys in your pantry—chips ahoys being a PERFECTLY DELICIOUS cookie—and telling your dinner guest you had dessert covered, so no, there's no need to bring gourmet pastries, even though it's no trouble at all and the bakery is on the way. i tried a bunch of different things from blowfish.com, some more successful than others, and my hands-down favorite is the Waterproof Power G. we've become the very best of friends.
» the sartorial
bought several million pairs of shoes, oops? including baby's first pair of winter boots! got a series of increasingly awesome haircuts with a series of increasingly awesome hairstylists. made a conscious effort to upgrade my wardrobe as a means to the mysterious ends of "layering" and "accessorizing", all in an effort to look like the mid-twenties college graduate i am, and not the high school student i am so often mistaken for.
» the recreational
kansas organized the office into playing in an amatuer kickball league over the summer, an entertaining though ultimately failed experiment. i tricked the entire house into watching HOURS and HOURS of grand slam tennis with me. no, i don't want to talk about the 2008 australian open, i'm still smarting.
» the intangible
i look at everything i did and i look at where i am, and i can't help feeling like i took ten GIANT STEPS forward and ten GIANT STEPS back and went exactly NOWHERE; but i know i'm not the same person i was the last time i was back at square one. some days that's all i know.
this was actually the first year i've even felt a compulsion to write a year-end review, and it isn't just because i wasn't chronicling it as i went like i have in the past, but because 2007 was the first year that clearly delineated itself with a narrative arc and milestones to match the calendar, opening in january when i finally started seeing a therapist, and ending in december just as i quit my job. the year looks so sparse and staid in bullet points, like laying out three fossils that you think belong to the same skeleton and trying to imagine meat around the bones, intelligence in the face, the body in action; but bullet points are all i have.
» the mental/intellectual
BRAIN ATROPHY. i read maybe half a dozen books the whole year, and i'm not sure i could even tell you what they were. my concentration was shot. i stopped writing. in lieu of livejournaling, i discovered twitter, and man. one of the many thinky posts i couldn't concentrate on long enough to write last year was full of all the meta thoughts i have thought about twitter. one day i'll write again in sentences more than 140 characters long. AND they won't take me months to construct.
» the physiological
took up smoking; embraced drinking; forsook the gym; ate LOTS of cookies. i went up a jeans size, and yeah, i have more chins and less muscle mass, but, man. cookies are DELICIOUS.
» the fanatical
read harry potter and the great horcrux hunt, which left me cold. went to dragoncon with
gjstruthseeker, though it was more for her than the fandom. i fell out of love with supernatural and headlong into bandom, and i am still falling with no bottom in sight. i love those stupid boys and girls, and their stupid music, and their stupid FACES. ugh. don't ever stop.» the musical
went to a dozen live concerts, not counting bonnaroo. went to motherfucking bonnaroo. added 3,000 songs to my itunes library. got heavily into my chemical romance, yeasayer, the mountain goats, bishop allen, electric six, m.i.a., the new pornographers, patrick wolf, stars, etc. i'm still sorting last year's music, it's NEVER-ENDING.
» the emotional, the psychological, and the biochemical
in january i got a therapist. i did good work with her for six months, and broke up with her in june. MEANWHILE, i got (and kept) a psychiatrist and started taking anti-anxiety medication (lexapro), which has changed my entire fucking life. it fixed things i didn't even realize were broken. everything else i've done, all the progress i've made, those pills have made possible.
it turns out i have a common cocktail of anxiety disorders—social anxiety, general anxiety, OCD—and between the therapy and the drugs, we teased out where those anxieties came from and what they were keeping me from doing, and i *pushed* myself. i put myself out there a billion times more than i ever have in my life, and it was fucking hard, like i was brand new to the world and had never met humans before. it was awesome, and terrifying. and in addition to all that internal struggle, there were all these outside dramas going on (see below), so for values of "turbulent" that apply to someone who's always lived curled up in a quiet, tiny little world, and then one day pokes her head out of that little world, last year was the most turbulent year i've ever lived through. last year had wildly see-sawing good days and bad days, weeks, seasons: i would wake up happy and go to bed sad, or vice-versa; i was giddy in the spring, and i wilted in september; i cried more last year than i have in all my other years on earth combined, including that time i was an infant and crying was my only means of communicating my needs to my primary caregivers. i spent four days in october unintentionally in withdrawal from my medication and truly wanting to die. and i distinctly remember thinking to myself one day in the summer that all these years i'd been living that cliche, waiting for my life to begin, and now it felt like my life was beginning.
» the familial
ahaha, so family/work communications deteriorated almost to the breaking point, and of course the effects were multiplied and magnified for me, since i worked with my family and lived with my boss. my psychiatrist, when i tried to explain the entire passive-aggressive clusterfuck, summed up the situation as living in a silent war zone.
» the professional
went to work and filed paper every day and hated every fucking minute of it. i quit because i knew i would stay forever if i didn't give myself a cut-off date, and because i was caught up uncomfortably in office politics (see above re: my double dose of passive-aggression). my last day was the 28th of december, and i can tell you from this brave new world of 2008 that even though now i'm unemployed and flapping in the wind, i'm grateful every day that i don't work there anymore.
» the social
in a series of baby steps, i joined the human race: i accepted invitations. i joined a bookclub. when there was no one to go to shows with me, i went to shows alone, and i struck up conversations or let other people chat me up. and i made a friend. the minion who came to the firm in june to help me wrangle the paper basically ended up making filing almost bearable every day she was in the office, joining me in commiserating and eating lunch and making dispairing references to apocalypse now when the filing room walls were closing in on us. she's fucking adorable, and she's hilarious, and we went to shows and bars and movies together, when every invitation given or accepted was still a surprise. she's been one of the best and most encouraging influences for me to get out more, see more, meet more people.
in january i flew up to boston to visit
silentfire, and then in the summer she had the NERVE to decide to tranfer schools, and she moved across the country to live with her sister in the in-between time. i STILL haven't managed to make it out to new mexico to visit, though i miss her terribly and she keeps telling me how gorgeous it is out there. malelia_honu came up to visit in the fall to shop with me and eat biscuits and see they might be giants live in concert. at the end of december, in a flurry of last-minute activity that still doesn't seem real, even though i was THERE and have the pictures to prove it, i married off gjstruthseeker; and a few weeks after that she moved halfway around the world with her brand new husband.» the personal
guys, let me tell you all the ways the diva cup is the greatest personal hygiene innovation since indoor plumbing: 1) it's made of medical-grade silicone and collects rather than absorbs blood, meaning you will never have to insert or remove a dry tampon again, ever; 2) it's infinitely reuseable so you will never have to spend another dollar on feminine products; 2a) you will never have to GIVE another dollar to the FEMININE PRODUCTS INDUSTRY; 2b) you will never again be in a position to stock up on or run out of feminine products; 3) all those feminine products you won't be buying means that much more paper and plastic that isn't landfill-bound. i fucking love my diva cup. it's a little hard to get the hang of for the first month or two, but after that it's one-two-three easy, and there are tons of internet resources and an active livejournal community eager to offer support. i'm such a proselyte, but whatever, try it try it try it.
discovered vibrators, oh my god. i've been giving myself orgasms for years with no problems, but never have i been so glad that i don't subscribe to the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" philosophy of life, because that would be like finding a package of chips ahoys in your pantry—chips ahoys being a PERFECTLY DELICIOUS cookie—and telling your dinner guest you had dessert covered, so no, there's no need to bring gourmet pastries, even though it's no trouble at all and the bakery is on the way. i tried a bunch of different things from blowfish.com, some more successful than others, and my hands-down favorite is the Waterproof Power G. we've become the very best of friends.
» the sartorial
bought several million pairs of shoes, oops? including baby's first pair of winter boots! got a series of increasingly awesome haircuts with a series of increasingly awesome hairstylists. made a conscious effort to upgrade my wardrobe as a means to the mysterious ends of "layering" and "accessorizing", all in an effort to look like the mid-twenties college graduate i am, and not the high school student i am so often mistaken for.
» the recreational
kansas organized the office into playing in an amatuer kickball league over the summer, an entertaining though ultimately failed experiment. i tricked the entire house into watching HOURS and HOURS of grand slam tennis with me. no, i don't want to talk about the 2008 australian open, i'm still smarting.
» the intangible
i look at everything i did and i look at where i am, and i can't help feeling like i took ten GIANT STEPS forward and ten GIANT STEPS back and went exactly NOWHERE; but i know i'm not the same person i was the last time i was back at square one. some days that's all i know.