walkingshadow (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
walkingshadow) wrote2002-04-16 09:44 am
walkingshadow) wrote2002-04-16 09:44 am
(no subject)
A bad waking this morning.
8:00 much too early, body pulled out of REM sleep, deep sleep, the wrong point in the cycle, jolted roughly out of insensate darkness and forgetting how to work the alarm, heart slamming loud in my chest and ears, much too fast. Finally managed to slide the bar and stop the siren blaring. Collapsed, but had to sit up again to make sure the snooze button was still there. Hadn't been able to find it. Obviously in a cold sweat, back clammy through a thin shirt, muscles knotting and clenching compulsively. Shivering and ill as I drag myself out of bed and down the hall to the bathroom. Don't gag as I brush my teeth. Check the temperature online before I leave, but put on a sweater anyway, and glad of it. Choke down a cereal bar as I walk, and manage not to be sick. My eyes open eventually. Someone's smoking a cigarette. I consider vomiting, but can't be bothered.
Once in class I remember I don't have to be there. Grade calculated on point system: 450/500 is an A, and I already have 400. Or maybe more. Don't exactly need the class notes to get a 50 (out of 100) on the final exam. Seven quizzes, drop the lowest two; #5 was a review of the Shawshank Redemption, incredible movie. Opted not to do it. Needed, then, to do well on at least one of the final two quizzes. The sixth was purely attendance. Insert laughter. Insult to intelligence. Do I continue to attend now, early morning classes for nothing but knowledge's sake? There's little to glean; class too generalized to be really engaging. I am not engaged.
I've been stressed out about my period, over a week late, due to stress. Does everything go in circles and eventually trip over its own tail?
Phenomenon: waking up to thoughts. I prefer coming to consciousness slowly, in stages, lingering over dreams and remembering the world at my own pace, a waking like Theodore Roethke's. Sometimes I wake up with a song in my head, like it had been droning on in my brain all night: annoying. Today it was last night's fic, all the wistful emptiness it brought and brings, a smooth bridge that seemed to cancel out the sleep I did get. Eyes burn again and still. I hear my parents saying one should have sleep or food if not both. Hungry like my stomach is trying to digest itself. Goes in search of breakfast. Holds out hope of a nap.
8:00 much too early, body pulled out of REM sleep, deep sleep, the wrong point in the cycle, jolted roughly out of insensate darkness and forgetting how to work the alarm, heart slamming loud in my chest and ears, much too fast. Finally managed to slide the bar and stop the siren blaring. Collapsed, but had to sit up again to make sure the snooze button was still there. Hadn't been able to find it. Obviously in a cold sweat, back clammy through a thin shirt, muscles knotting and clenching compulsively. Shivering and ill as I drag myself out of bed and down the hall to the bathroom. Don't gag as I brush my teeth. Check the temperature online before I leave, but put on a sweater anyway, and glad of it. Choke down a cereal bar as I walk, and manage not to be sick. My eyes open eventually. Someone's smoking a cigarette. I consider vomiting, but can't be bothered.
Once in class I remember I don't have to be there. Grade calculated on point system: 450/500 is an A, and I already have 400. Or maybe more. Don't exactly need the class notes to get a 50 (out of 100) on the final exam. Seven quizzes, drop the lowest two; #5 was a review of the Shawshank Redemption, incredible movie. Opted not to do it. Needed, then, to do well on at least one of the final two quizzes. The sixth was purely attendance. Insert laughter. Insult to intelligence. Do I continue to attend now, early morning classes for nothing but knowledge's sake? There's little to glean; class too generalized to be really engaging. I am not engaged.
I've been stressed out about my period, over a week late, due to stress. Does everything go in circles and eventually trip over its own tail?
Phenomenon: waking up to thoughts. I prefer coming to consciousness slowly, in stages, lingering over dreams and remembering the world at my own pace, a waking like Theodore Roethke's. Sometimes I wake up with a song in my head, like it had been droning on in my brain all night: annoying. Today it was last night's fic, all the wistful emptiness it brought and brings, a smooth bridge that seemed to cancel out the sleep I did get. Eyes burn again and still. I hear my parents saying one should have sleep or food if not both. Hungry like my stomach is trying to digest itself. Goes in search of breakfast. Holds out hope of a nap.